A Handy-Dandy Star Wars Guide

Thu 14 December 2023 by R.L. Dane

I was speaking with a couple Fedifriends about Star Wars, and (naturally), we started having a mini-debate on which Star Wars movies actually "count."

The following is my personal thoughts on the issue, in a handy-dandy list format:

DISCLAIMER: I am, at the end of the day, a fairly casual Star Wars fan. Don't take anything I say here too seriously.

  1. "The Franchise Menace." (Not my name for it) — Kids will love Jar Jar, and will force their parents to buy LOTS of toys. Plot is secondary.
  2. "Attack of the... wait, what were we doing again?" — Introduces characters and subplots that will never be fully explained or resolved until the Clone Wars series. So fast-paced, you might need to see a chiropractor afterward. Also, the SFX will age wonderfully. It absolutely will not look like Playstation 2 cutscenes. (Not my comparison, but it works). Also, the entire movie was dubbed (ADR-ed), because the digital cameras were so experimental, they required a noisy generator to be running just outside, which noise they were not able to filter out. I am not making this up!
  3. "Hellraiser: Sith Edition" - Here we have the nadir of Anakin's story. And perhaps Lucas' storytelling. I have a feeling this may be many fans' favorite of the prequel trilogy, but it was too dark and jerkily tragic for me to appreciate.
    3.9. "The Prequel We Deserved." Rogue One was a true Star Wars movie.
  4. "A New Hope" — 'nuff said. The original, the genuine article. Of course, it was kinda low budget, and many parts of the story were very much in flux until the last moment, but it was still an amazing movie that captured the hearts of untold millions.
  5. "Sh*t gets real" — The darkest of the original trilogy. It doesn't have as many "feel good" moments as the other two, but it is a true Star Wars masterpiece. This is the movie I had bootlegged on Betamax throughout my junior high days, and watched it many times with joy on my Commodore 1702 monitor.
  6. "Revenge of the Franchise Menace," or, "Yub Nub," or, "Teddy Bears sell like crazy, and who's going to by an action figure of Dead Han Solo?" — This is the only movie of the original trilogy that I saw in theatres during its original release. It was one of my childhood favorites, but the changes in story and the storyteller's tactics are pretty jarring. Leia is horrifically awkwardly retconned as Luke's sister. Need I say more? Ok, fine, I will: FORCE KICK. Q.E.D.
  7. "I'm mother-ducking JJ Abrams, and I can do whatever I want." — A spectacle-heavy, brain-absent romp through the Star Wars universe, destroying everything in its wake.
  8. "I'm mother-ducking Rian Johnson, and I can do whatever I want." — Rian decides he doesn't like Luke's character and turns him into the unabomber. Great. It's actually my favorite of the sequels, but that's not saying all that much.
  9. "I'm mother-ducking Kathleen Kennedy, and I own all you losers." — WHAT was that train wreck?!?