Six Months a Mourner

Thu 11 April 2024 by R.L. Dane

Content Warning: This post deals with the loss of a pet. Also, Christian themes.

This will probably be my last post on this subject for a while. I do not wish to labor the point, but today marks the sixth month of my cat passing, and I felt that I had to honor him with a post of some kind.

Knowing that I tend to forget little details, I spent about 20 minutes the day he passed recording a video to myself (it's always fun to greet yourself separated by time) recalling the details of the previous few days. I thought I would watch it a month later, but I hadn't been able to bring myself to watch it. One month ago, I started to, but couldn't finish it.
I did so tonight.

It was good to get a few memories nailed down properly again. I had forgotten some of the suffering he went through in his last days, like how weak he was, and how we was unable to walk very much at all. It all sounds like a tragedy, and while it was very painful to go through, it doesn't feel tragic to me. It feels like celebrating a little furry life very well lived. Six-months-ago-me reminded today-me that I spent a lot of time showering him with affection on his last day, and I was glad to hear that, as I mostly remembered feeling overwhelmed with the crushing weight of what was going on, and having a hard time facing him for too long. I do remember at one point I had to just go into the other room and watch TV for a little while, because it was all just too much. I'm thankful that that wasn't the norm, and I did devote the amount of time he deserved to show him unreserved love before he passed.

Just now, I'm reminded of a Christian song by the band "Delirious?" that I used to enjoy, and am just recently beginning to really appreciate:

"A love so undeserved
You held nothing in reserves
Heaven played its symphony
I took Your hand and You rescued me"
—Delirious?, "Grace Like a River"

The song is talking about Christ, but I really feel it speaking to me of my cat. The way he loved unreservedly (and in my case, most undeservingly). The way he rescued me by always being there for me in the worst of my depression and self-hatred. I wish he could see me now, the changes that have occurred in my life in the past couple of months (a subject which I will speak on in a later post).

There was another song that started "randomly" playing in my head hours before he passed, and the verse is:

"I see you there at the end of that rope
Wondering what would happen if you just let go.
I see you there at the peak of that ridge
Wondering what it'd look like if you enter in."

I probably wrote this previously, but I had a real realization that he was hanging on to every day at the end of his life just to be with me. It's just crazy how much that cat loved me, from the moment he laid eyes on me. And the feeling was very much mutual, although I think he was the more emotionally mature/stable of the two of us. ;)

Almost everyone I spoke to told me to get another furson or furdaughter quite soon, and I had a couple opportunities come out of nowhere to adopt another cat, one as soon as a week after. I just couldn't, though. There were a couple of cats I started to consider adopting, but I never got the chance to, as they both got adopted before I could make the decision. My family also tried to convince me to get a dog, and while I do really like dogs, after 16 years of feline companionship, I don't relate to dogs like I did when I was younger.

On a selfish level, It's been nice to not have the complications of having to care for a small animal as situations have occasionally arisen that required 100% of my time and focus.
But I have a strong suspicion that I'll be welcoming another furbaby into my life, soon.

It's time.

The unfolding horrors of Toxic Masculinity

Tue 02 April 2024 by R.L. Dane

Content Warning: This post deals with the issue of toxic masculinity. If that (or the discussion thereof) is upsetting to you, please skip this one. Also, a minor bible reference is included.

I thought I had a pretty fair grasp on the idea and archetypes of toxic masculinity. I am …

read more


Thu 18 January 2024 by R.L. Dane

Content Warning: this is all coming from a fairly Christian worldview, and so may seem a bit like proselyting to those from other traditions and beliefs. I'm just putting out what I'm mulling over, so as always, you're welcome to read it, or wait for another nerdy UNIXy post a …

read more

Two months later

Mon 11 December 2023 by R.L. Dane

Content warning: This post deals with loss

As I have alluded to before, there is a certain process of effacing that time does to loss and grief, as well as the memory of the departed.

I'm staring at the two month mark, and while I've had some truly dark moments …

read more

I can fly!

Sun 26 November 2023 by R.L. Dane

Content Warning: This post involves illness and extremely stressful situations

Have you ever had a lucid dream? One where you could just bend reality to your will — fly freely by thinking, become POTUS, rule a banana republic (two things that are becoming tragically similar), or propose marriage the famous person …

read more

How to Raise the Dead: An Instructional Guide to Necromancy, as it were

Thu 23 November 2023 by R.L. Dane

I got into a humorous discussion with a good "FediFriend" today about cloning and necromancy. The result of our rather bizarre conversation was that I would write an article on necromancy if he would write an article on cloning.

His resultant article was not at all what I thought it …

read more

Fading into Memory (the cruelest stage of grief)

Wed 15 November 2023 by R.L. Dane

Content Warning: This post deals with grief

Yet again, I had planned to write about healthy mourning, and yet again, what's on my mind being hijacked by what's rattling around in my heart.

There is this innocent, necessary, and healthy stage of mourning that is also so terribly cruel: the …

read more


Tue 14 November 2023 by R.L. Dane

Content Warning: This post deals with the death of a pet and mourning, and approaches things from a Christian viewpoint.

Content Warning, part 2: This post went into far greater detail about the events leading up to my cat's passing than I initially intended, so if you're mourning a loved …

read more

One month later

Sat 11 November 2023 by R.L. Dane

Content warning: This post deals with loss

Well, one month later.
One month ago, I said goodbye to my furry best friend.
I've thought about him every day, several times a day.
Nearly every day, I find myself thinking,

"Well, I've got time, I can stop by the house and …

read more

Too clean

Thu 19 October 2023 by R.L. Dane

Content Warning: this post deals with the loss of a pet

So, last night I stayed up late carefully putting up my cat's effects: food bowl, water bowl, litter tray. I washed his carrier (because he peed in it when he was sick) in the washing machine. I was scheduled …

read more