Six Months a Mourner

Content Warning: This post deals with the loss of a pet. Also, Christian themes.

This will probably be my last post on this subject for a while. I do not wish to labor the point, but today marks the sixth month of my cat passing, and I felt that I had to honor him with a post of some kind.

Knowing that I tend to forget little details, I spent about 20 minutes the day he passed recording a video to myself (it's always fun to greet yourself separated by time) recalling the details of the previous few days. I thought I would watch it a month later, but I hadn't been able to bring myself to watch it. One month ago, I started to, but couldn't finish it.
I did so tonight.

It was good to get a few memories nailed down properly again. I had forgotten some of the suffering he went through in his last days, like how weak he was, and how we was unable to walk very much at all. It all sounds like a tragedy, and while it was very painful to go through, it doesn't feel tragic to me. It feels like celebrating a little furry life very well lived. Six-months-ago-me reminded today-me that I spent a lot of time showering him with affection on his last day, and I was glad to hear that, as I mostly remembered feeling overwhelmed with the crushing weight of what was going on, and having a hard time facing him for too long. I do remember at one point I had to just go into the other room and watch TV for a little while, because it was all just too much. I'm thankful that that wasn't the norm, and I did devote the amount of time he deserved to show him unreserved love before he passed.

Just now, I'm reminded of a Christian song by the band "Delirious?" that I used to enjoy, and am just recently beginning to really appreciate:

"A love so undeserved
You held nothing in reserves
Heaven played its symphony
I took Your hand and You rescued me"
—Delirious?, "Grace Like a River"

The song is talking about Christ, but I really feel it speaking to me of my cat. The way he loved unreservedly (and in my case, most undeservingly). The way he rescued me by always being there for me in the worst of my depression and self-hatred. I wish he could see me now, the changes that have occurred in my life in the past couple of months (a subject which I will speak on in a later post).

There was another song that started "randomly" playing in my head hours before he passed, and the verse is:

"I see you there at the end of that rope
Wondering what would happen if you just let go.
I see you there at the peak of that ridge
Wondering what it'd look like if you enter in."

I probably wrote this previously, but I had a real realization that he was hanging on to every day at the end of his life just to be with me. It's just crazy how much that cat loved me, from the moment he laid eyes on me. And the feeling was very much mutual, although I think he was the more emotionally mature/stable of the two of us. ;)

Almost everyone I spoke to told me to get another furson or furdaughter quite soon, and I had a couple opportunities come out of nowhere to adopt another cat, one as soon as a week after. I just couldn't, though. There were a couple of cats I started to consider adopting, but I never got the chance to, as they both got adopted before I could make the decision. My family also tried to convince me to get a dog, and while I do really like dogs, after 16 years of feline companionship, I don't relate to dogs like I did when I was younger.

On a selfish level, It's been nice to not have the complications of having to care for a small animal as situations have occasionally arisen that required 100% of my time and focus.
But I have a strong suspicion that I'll be welcoming another furbaby into my life, soon.

It's time.